It feels so good to finally share the news that our triple rainbow baby girl will be joining our family in December! (See my IG post from a few weeks ago if you missed it!!) And I can’t believe we’re now over half-way to meeting her!
It also feels good to be actually writing a blog post again. It’s been quite a while. The journey to having baby #2 ended up being much longer and tougher, with way more roadblocks, than we expected and it got pretty dark for me there for a bit. So I just had to step away for a minute. I’ve always wanted this space to be real, and I just couldn’t come on here and be happy and bubbly like nothing was wrong. Part of me wanted to share the real, raw, often times dark journey we were on, because the “real” tends to be what I’m drawn to on social media. Also, when I was going through this, people sharing their experiences really helped me. So I wanted to, in turn, help others. But I just couldn’t bring myself to do it right then in the moment. I truly admire those that can, but it just didn’t feel right to me. But now, I’m in a place where I’m ready to share and hopeful that it will help others the way that so many others have helped me.
I did share that back in April 2019 we had a miscarriage (see that post here). At that time I had no idea that it would actually just be the first of 3 miscarriages over the span of a year. That first one was at 12 weeks and after we’d found out the baby was a boy. Because we were at the 12 week mark, we had just started sharing the news with family and close friends, and were beyond shocked to have a miscarriage that late in the game. Of course, it was incredibly sad, but I also know the statistic of 1 in 4 women experiencing miscarriage and that it is, unfortunately, quite common. So I assumed it was just one of those things and we’d continue on to have a successful pregnancy next time. After all, I’d had a successful, healthy pregnancy and delivery with Hudson with no issues at all, so we knew my body could do this.
I had to have a D&C with that miscarriage because it was so far along, which was scary at first (requires general anesthesia, which I had never been under as an adult), but was really a very quick procedure with essentially no recovery time (physically). We were given the “OK” to start trying again about a month later, and I found out I was pregnant again in early September 2019 while we were on vacation in Seaside, FL (one of our favorite places). Within 2 weeks I started having some spotting so went into my OB and it was clear already that things were not developing as they should. The bleeding continued and my body took care of things on its own that time. This was what they technically call a “chemical pregnancy” since it didn’t go past 6 weeks and just never developed.
Although this one was much earlier, it was almost a bigger blow because now with 2 miscarriages we were concerned there was really something wrong. Because I was over 35 and had 2, my OB said I could go see a fertility specialist for recurrent pregnancy loss to do some testing and try to get some answers. I’m type A and like answers, so I said absolutely. So we went to see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) to do a complete work-up of diagnostics. This involved bloodwork for me and for Luke, and ultrasounds and an HSG for me. The bloodwork tested for things like a blood clotting disorder, thyroid functioning, various hormone levels at different points in my cycle and any genetic diseases I might be an unknown carrier of (which is the one Luke was tested for as well). An HSG is basically an x-ray of your uterus with dye injected so that they can check for any abnormalities in the uterus. Some people claim it’s painful, but I barely felt it and it lasted about 2 minutes and was done at the RE’s office.
I also started doing all the research that I could (see Type A comment above). I just really do better when I feel like I understand things. And to be honest, I found the science behind everything really interesting. I learned SO much from @nataliecrawfordmd and her podcast “As A Woman.” She’s an RE that shares a lot on social media and her podcast about infertility and fertility treatments, and I think explains things in a really understandable way. If you’re in the midst of all of this, I highly suggest checking her out. Also, a blogger I’ve followed for a while, @lynzyandco , was on a similar journey at the same time. She had 2 miscarriages trying for her 4th baby, and is one of those that I admire so much that shared this journey while she was in the middle of it. She worked with Meg at @holistichealthcode to really try to get everything hormonally balanced with her cycle, and just welcomed her 4th baby in July! A lot of what I was experiencing was very similar to what she described, so I learned a lot from what she shared as well.
We didn’t really get any answers from any of the testing, which was good to not have anything major show up, but also a bit frustrating to still not have an answer. The only potential finding was a tiny spot of what was maybe scar tissue in my uterus. It was a really tiny spot, and unclear if that’s what it actually was. So still really a huge question mark as to whether that was causing the issue. The RE talked to us about an outpatient surgery to remove it, which they would require prior to doing IVF to make sure everything was perfect, but otherwise was completely optional. Again, no way to know what it really was or if it was actually causing a problem.
I wanted to be aggressive and pursue IVF (I’m not getting any younger and didn’t want to experience anymore losses). But this would have required the surgery and I just wasn’t convinced that was the issue, and also worried more scar tissue could be caused by going in and trying to remove it. I knew I was ovulating late in my cycle and thought that could be the culprit (from all I’d learned from Natalie and Lynzy).
So we decided to try 1 more time on our own. I wanted to do everything I could to set us up for success, so I started eating really clean and taking some supplements believed to help. Note – I am not a doctor or any type of medical professional. This is just what I found from my research and discussed with my doctor.
- Ubiquinol 100 mg (linked with improved egg and sperm quality – Luke took also) – two pills twice per day
- Vitamin D 2000 iu (shown to improve chances of implantation) – one pill once per day
- Vitamin C 1000 mg (promotes iron absorption and progesterone production – important for me given the potential luteal phase defect) – one pill once per day
- DHEA 25 mg (shown to improve egg quality) – one pill once per day
- Zinc 50 mg (helps to regulate hormone function and ovulation) – one pill once per day
- Magnesium 150 mg (I take all the time to improve gut health) – one pill twice per day
- Ritual Prenatal Vitamin – two pills once per day
We found out I was pregnant again in December 2019, actually on December 17th which is my birthday, and did early monitoring. My HCG levels were doubling every 48 hours like they are supposed to, but when it came time for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks there was an amniotic sac, but no baby. We checked again a week later and still nothing. And again the following week and it was clear that this pregnancy was again “abnormal.”
Because my body was not recognizing this (HCG levels still increasing, no bleeding), it’s what they call a “missed miscarriage.” Due to this, I had another D&C for this one in January 2020. There was some thought that the miscarriages might be due to issues with egg quality (which naturally declines once you’re over 35, which I am), so they sent this one out to the lab to test for genetic abnormalities. We were a little surprised to get the results that it was genetically normal, so that wasn’t it. Still no answers.
At this point we were pretty devastated and frustrated. I was getting stressed about my age and concerned about if we would ever have another child. So I was pretty set on going the IVF route with genetic testing since that seemed like the most “guaranteed” route (even though success rates for IVF with genetic testing are around 60%…so definitely not guaranteed). We started the process of getting ready for IVF with the fertility clinic, and then found that despite having “fertility coverage” through insurance, they denied the request for approval for my IVF because we hadn’t tried IUI yet. They normally require SIX rounds of IUI before they’ll approve IVF. However, given my situation, there was no reason to believe IUI would be an effective treatment for me – we weren’t having trouble getting pregnant which is really what that helps with.
More frustration. We debated the decision quite a bit, but decided to still move forward and pay the $25k out of pocket, obviously a BIG decision. We were supposed to start the process the end of Feb. Some of the initial testing done at the beginning of the cycle indicated this might not be an ideal cycle for IVF. My HCG level was still not back below 5 from the miscarriage (what they consider baseline – my body took a long time to come back down after each one), and there was a cyst on my ovary (likely still from the egg that resulted in the recent pregnancy).
More frustration. Since there was such a big out of pocket cost for IVF, we of course wanted to make sure all of the conditions were ideal, so we decided to wait a month. In the interim, I decided to ask if I could try a cycle with Clomid rather than do nothing. From more research I’d done, I was really starting to think that the issue with my cycle and ovulating late might be the culprit, which sometimes can be corrected from ovulation medication, such as Clomid. This is an extremely low cost and non-invasive treatment option, so seemed worthwhile to try. My RE said sure, so we moved forward with that, but didn’t get pregnant.
So we were ready to try with IVF again the next month and then….COVID. As you might have heard, all “elective medical procedures” were paused due to the shortage in PPE and unknown demand on hospitals/medical professionals, and fertility procedures are considered “elective.”
Another road block. It just seemed to never end. The thought of just stopping at this point and doing nothing (for who knows how long) was just too much for me, so I asked if I could do another round of Clomid….again, just seemed better than doing nothing.
But this time….IT WORKED!
At this point, we sadly tried to keep ourselves from getting too excited, but we were cautiously hopeful. My initial HCG levels looked great. In fact, they were quadrupling instead of doubling every 48 hours, so we were a bit concerned we might have more than 1 baby in there! It seemed like it took ages to get to the 7 week mark to have my first US, and of course because of COVID, Luke couldn’t be inside with me. So I Facetime’d him down in the parking lot and we held our breath. And then we saw what we’d been hoping and wishing for over the past year – a tiny little baby with a tiny little flickering heartbeat! I’ll never forget the relief I felt!
Still cautious of course, but this was a huge step! I continued to have ultrasounds at the fertility clinic every 2 weeks throughout my 1st trimester and everything looked great. Then I had my 1st appointment and ultrasound with my OB at 13 weeks, which is when I think I really started letting myself feel like it was real since we were then farther along than any of the miscarriages and safely into the 2nd trimester. We started to tell family and close friends, but still didn’t announce it largely yet, because there was just this little “what if” still in the back of my head. Honestly, I’m not sure if that will go away until she is safely here in my arms, but it does get smaller and smaller with each passing milestone.
Well, I think this is probably the longest post in history, but wanted to share the full story for those that might be going through a similar journey of their own. Times during the past year felt among the most dark and desperate I’ve been through, and it can be very isolating and tough to stay hopeful. Please know if you’re struggling to conceive or experiencing losses, you’re not alone. I’m always happy to chat more with anyone that needs some encouragement, so don’t hesitate to reach out!
Xo,
Shannon
