As my first Mother’s Day as a mother approaches, shortly followed by my little guy’s 1st birthday, I’ve found myself reflecting quite a bit on the past year and having quite the array of emotions to go along with it. One of the most frequent has been the conundrum of missing my own mother so much, while also feeling a comforting closeness with her as we now share this bond of motherhood.
I lost my mom when I was 18. She had undiagnosed pancreatitis, which we only found out about after her very unexpected passing. Having this significant experience at a young age played a large part in shaping who I am throughout my life. It taught me resilience and strength way earlier than anyone should have to learn those traits to that extent. One thing I knew right away was that I always wanted to create a family of my own and apply all of the wonderful lessons I learned from her, and so that I could experience that mother/child bond again.
One of the most difficult parts of this journey was knowing that my son would never get to experience the love of his grandma directly. I would see my friends moms have such a strong bond with their kids and just feel so bad that Hudson wouldn’t have that. Luckily, I’m fortunate enough to have a second mom. I’m very close with my best friend’s mom, and she has taken a very active role in helping to fill that void for me, and now for Hudson. The first time they met and she whisked him up into her arms and I saw this enormous love in both of their eyes, I was truly in tears because I realized that he wouldn’t have to miss out on that. Nona, you’ll never know how much your love means to us.
As much as I miss my mom and wish she was here for this wonderful journey, I also frequently have a sense of closeness with her. When I rock Hudson to sleep and feel like my heart could just burst with how much love I have for him, I feel so comforted in knowing this is how she must have felt when she held me. It’s helped me to understand why she made some of the choices she did. I also try to incorporate little traditions that she had with my brother and I, such as singing him the same song each night that she sang to us. I know in those moments that she is there with me in spirit, and I don’t feel so alone. It’s given me a sense of calmness that is unusual for my type A, always-on-the-go personality.
I knew that the big milestones in life would be tough to go through without her, but becoming a mother has definitely been the toughest. I often hear the comment from my friends, “I just don’t know how you did it without having your mom there to help.” I won’t lie and say that I didn’t long for that (and still do some days). I would give anything to have her show me how she swaddled me when I was a baby, or how she calmed me down when I was fussy, to help me through the trials and tribulations of breastfeeding, to come hold my baby when I’m at wits end and just need to sleep.
But through all of this, I realized that my mom did help me, by sending me the happiest, easiest, chillest baby there ever was. I think that was her way of showing me that she was here to help me.
Happy Mother’s Day!
Shannon
