I was always taught that women can now “have it all” – meaning you can choose to have a career and a marriage and children if you want to. I always knew that’s what I wanted – to be the woman with the successful career and the white picket fence with happy kids and home-cooked meals all wrapped up into one. I never really thought about the details of how that worked, and what was involved in managing “it all” and that it wouldn’t all just magically come together. You can’t just keep adding more and more onto an already full plate without expecting something to topple off. It’s like an intricate puzzle that you have to figure out how to put together in a way that all of the pieces compliment each other without becoming overwhelming.
After meeting Luke and getting married, even before having a baby, my career wasn’t my only top priority anymore. I’m certainly not traditional when it comes to the roles of husband and wife. I have a huge amount of respect for stay at home moms whose job it is to be the primary caretaker of the kids and the home, but that was just never the path I saw for myself. So I was a bit surprised that after we got married, I did feel a bit of an internal pull to fulfill more of the traditional “wife” role. I’m not saying I did a total 180, but I wanted to make our house a home – I wanted to keep it looking nice and make sure we had good and healthy food to eat, etc. That wasn’t too difficult to add in to my full-time working schedule, but involved just some minor tweaks here and there. I did travel 30-50% at the time for work, which definitely started to move more consistently toward 30%, because I just wanted to be home with my husband!
At that time we knew that we wanted kids and that it was maybe just a few years out into the future, so I already started thinking about what life would look like adding the role of “mom” to my life. I didn’t feel like I had to figure out all the details before it actually happened, nor do I think that’s even possible, but I definitely realized that it would put more constraints on what my professional life could look like – some out of necessity (a large travel requirement just wouldn’t be possible) and some out of desire (I knew I wouldn’t want to be in an office extra long hours and spend even less time with my kid). All of this factored into some shifting as far as what I thought of as the “ideal career” and what I was looking for in the next step.
A few years later, pretty much as expected, we welcomed our sweet baby into our family and became parents. I am extremely fortunate to work for a boss that is incredibly supportive of his team’s personal and family lives. I do, however, work for a pretty big company that is largely driven by fairly traditional policies. My boss does as much as I believe is possible within those constraints to support his team’s individual needs (and I’m sure more than most). This is not all “luck.” When I was making a job change a year after Luke and I got married, I was really evaluating companies and potential bosses on this particular quality, and it factored pretty highly into my decision. That being said, the nature of the job that I do really requires it to be done in person, and healthcare systems and hospitals tend to be very traditional in their policies and relative lack of flexible working agreements.
Now that I’m 7 months into being a mom and 4 months into being a full-time working mom, I still very much enjoy my professional life and want to have a career, and I’m still focused on progressing in my career, but there are a lot more constraints around what I want and need that to look like now. Flexibility has become a must have. There is no way I would even consider a job that requires 60+ hours per week in the office now, because I would never see my kid and that’s just not the life I want. In my 20s I would never have thought twice about it if I felt like it would really help me progress in my career.
I’ve certainly heard people refer to women that return to work after becoming moms as being on the “mommy track” or assuming that their career will be on the back burner now. It always completely baffles me that these people don’t realize how offensive they’re being. I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman making the decision to move into a less demanding role or to work reduced hours if she feels that is what’s right for her and her family, but the assumption of this from all working mothers is just demeaning. I, along with many other female professionals, am perfectly capable of being a wonderful mother and having flourishing career. I have come to the conclusion, however, that for me to do both well, it has to be the right career with the right company in order to provide the flexibility needed.
I know that this flexibility requirement in no way means I’m not willing to work hard. I just need to be able to do it with a flexible schedule, and preferably a flexible location, so that I’m also able to be the mom and wife I want to be. In fact, since becoming a mom I believe I’ve actually become a better professional. I am more focused and productive in the time that I am at work, because I know that I have to leave on time so that I can get my little guy from daycare and soak up some quality time with him before bedtime. It’s actually taught me a lot about prioritizing and has helped me laser-focus on what is really important and cut out the time I previously (unknowingly) wasted on things that weren’t as important. It’s also helped to put “work crises” into perspective. I don’t get as easily get caught up in some little thing that isn’t going right at work, because at the end of the day I still get to go home to my wonderful husband and my sweet, smiley little boy. And he doesn’t know or care about any of that – all he cares about is that he’s hanging out with his mama and is happy as can be! Seeing that little guy’s face light up when he sees me has an amazing way of instantly washing away whatever negativity might have happened throughout the day. So in a weird way, it keeps me focused on the bigger picture and keeps me from getting caught up in insignificant details or office drama. I’m still perfectly capable of delivering the same (or maybe even better) exceptional results – the path I take to get to that end point might just look a little different.
My Hat (similar)
My Jacket – on sale for $66!! (Definitely not a brand I would have guessed I’d be shopping in my mid-30s, but this jacket is SO good!)
Hudson’s Hat
Hudson’s Jacket (similar)
Hudson’s Jeans
Hudson’s Boots (similar)
I know that not all employers will be supportive of this, or even understand it. But that’s ok. Honestly, it’s really helped me narrow in on what the right options are for me as far as my career path, and helped me define what it is I’m looking for in an employer. Interviewing and accepting a job truly is a two-way decision, especially once you’re further into your career and bringing a good bit of experience to the table. I’m not just looking to jump to any job that will pay me well. I’m looking for the next step in my career to be the right fit and a place that I will really be happy with the environment and team I’m working with, in addition to enjoying the content of the job I’m doing. I’m also not afraid to ask questions about these things, which I know I would have been earlier in my career for fear that it would cause me to be seen as not fully committed or not willing to give everything to my job. Some might see it that way, but if they do, that’s definitely not the right place for me and I’d rather know that on the front end!
My career is still a very important aspect of my life and contributes to me feeling fulfilled overall, but it’s no longer the only, or most important, factor. And you know what…that makes for a much more balanced life, and therefore, has made me a better person. I guess that’s what “having it all” really means to me.
xo,
Shannon
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